November 7, 2008 at 8:17 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, McCain, Obama, Pop Culture, internet, politics ·Tagged elections, Obama, Super Mario World, video games
I’m back after a long hiatus. I tried to avoid the “blogosphere” during the election, mostly because I was tired of idiots spouting garbage about this being the most important election ever or how I had to vote or how McCain is old or socialist candidates are good. The list goes on. At any rate, when you’re done touting how great it is that democracy is working again in America (we are a republic, not a democracy) or that the world might start liking us again (it won’t – countries don’t hate presidents, they hate Americans because, for the most part, they think we are uneducated buffoons and based on the last election, it seems, for the most part, that they are still right) head on over to superobamaworld.com and get your socialist game on. It seems some asshats have gone ahead and made Obama into a video game. And to make it worse, they ripped off Super Mario World to do so (I have no idea how to embed such things here, so hit the link if you want to run around and collect American flags and stomp on pigs in what might be the single worst game ever made – but hey, if you like Obama, you’ll pretty much take anything, huh?). This makes me sad. More sad than when the clown actually paid to ruin video games by campaigning in them. I could handle my money being stolen and given to people who don’t work. I’m resigned to the advent of socialized healthcare. Hell, I might even be able to survive raising capital gains taxes to 25%. But taking over video games? Bastardizing one of the greatest, most entertaining gaming franchises of all time? Ripping away a precious part of my childhood for the sake of bludgeoning me over the head just a one more time with Obamania? Too far, I say. Too far. It’s time we, as a people, rise up and make a stand. To the polls!
Update: So presidential elections are once every four years, apparently. When did that happen? Quick, science, make me a flux capacitor! I need to go back to November 3.
Update: Success!
Update: Couldn’t turn the election, but Time Lincoln promised me vengeance.
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September 12, 2008 at 2:58 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, Movies, Pop Culture, Television, internet ·Tagged (, :, Better Off Dead, Ghostbusters, god damn it not again, I, Judd Apatow
Word on the street (said street being a newspaper writer’s interwebs blog) is that in yet another attempt by Hollywood to rape my psyche and ruin all of my fondest memories of growing up, a third Ghostbusters is in the works. In an email from Harold Ramis:
yes, columbia is developing a script for GB3 with my year one writing partners, gene stupnitsky and lee eisenberg. judd apatow is co-producing year one and has made several other films for sony, so of course the studio is hoping to tap into some of the same acting talent. aykroyd, ivan reitman and i are consulting at this point, and according to dan, bill murray is willing to be involved on some level. he did record his dialogue for the new ghostbusters video game, as did danny and i, and ernie hudson. the concept is that the old ghostbusters would appear in the film in some mentor capacity. not much else to say at this point. everyone is confident a decent script can be written and i guess we’ll take it from there.
best,
harold
Because this is exactly how I wanted to start my weekend. Drunk by 11 and news of a new Ghostbusters flick. Wait, that is exactly how I wanted to start my weekend. Seriously, though, why can’t Hollywood leave the 80s alone? All of my fondest and sadly nostalgic memories of the 80s are based on the movies and TV shows I watched growing up (and also Atari). As much as I love (both emotionally and physically) the Ghostbusters movies, I can’t force myself to believe that this one will be any good. Look at the drastic drop in quality from the first to the second movie – how can a third movie twenty years later be anything but a letdown? Especially with the premise of the original ghostbusters mentoring new, Apatownian ones (the potential for ghost masturbation, ghost pregnancy and ghost drug use is right off the PKE meter), helping them to provide every frat boy idiot on the planet with new cliche jokes and bar conversation topics that predominantly involve word-for-word recitation of scenes from the movie. That being said, I will probably go see it. If for no other reason than the Better Off Dead sequel hasn’t been made. Yet.
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August 11, 2008 at 7:05 pm
· Filed under Pop Culture, internet, politics ·Tagged African American, EJCC, global warming, joke, Katrina, omg this is stupid!, racism, who let these people talk, wtf
A rare post of semi-seriousness!!!
Apparently there is some sort of quasi-official (read:waste of taxpayer dollars) group dedicated to resolving the issue of the racial imbalance of global warming. The Environment Justice and Climate Change Initiative (EJCC) apparently fancies themselves enough of a legitimate group to warrant the attention of policy makers. In what comes as no surprise to anyone, anywhere South Carolina Democrat (and House Whip) James Clyburn has jumped on the bandwagon to propagate action against the nefarious, rich polluters who force such economic burdens on “African-Americans.”*
The commission Clyburn helped launch claims Hurricane Katrina’s impact on New Orleans was a preview of how global warming will affect African-Americans.
[W]hile individual storms cannot be linked specifically to climate change, scientists warn that warmer waters may foster-more intense storms,” the background paper on the commission’s efforts, authored by Michel Gelobter, Carla Peterman and Azebuilke Akaba said. “The flooding of New Orleans still highlights the vulnerability of the African-American community to types of extreme weather events expected with global climate change.”
I find it interesting that they site New Orleans after Katrina as an example of the vulnerability of blacks to global climate changes. Weren’t these the same people who were using their government issued bail-out checks and cash cards for hookers and booze?**
Interestingly, in their quest for alternative energy sources that would be less costly to minorities, the proposed solution involves not letting investors reap the rewards of new products.
J. Andrew Hoerner, director of the sustainable economics program at Redefining Progress and a co-author of the EJCC report, told the Business & Media Institute that solutions to climate change should be designed in a way so investors don’t reap all the benefits.
There’s more about his idiotic solution, but what I want to point out is that if investors aren’t making money, they aren’t investors. They are donors. And at the risk of being condemned as a racist, this has to be the stupidest thing I have ever seen and I’ve watched a friend be taped running laps around a football field naked because the Buckeyes won a football game. Despite the lack of scientific evidence supporting global warming, am I expected to believe such a phenomena can be classified as racist? What next? I suppose the ocean’s racist for launching so many devastating hurricanes in eastern Asia or on the poorer island countries between South and North America? Maybe the moon’s racist for appearing white in the evening sky?
Upon further review, don’t click the links. Don’t read about this. Don’t even acknowledge it. I did and I am 3% dumber for it. You have been warned.
*Note that true African Americans are those born in Africa who matriculate to America. The prefix-like use of “African” before “American” supposes some sort of pre-established African culture brought to America. I am curious as to how true African Americans feel about the use of the term by America in her quest to be as PC as possible to group them together with American people of color.***
**Not that I am saying this is a bad thing, but look: hurricane destroyed your home. You get free money for hookers and booze. Don’t expect me to feel too sorry for you; I have to pay for my hookers and booze out of my own pocketbook.
***Hint: it’s not pink!
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July 30, 2008 at 2:36 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, Movies, Obama, Pop Culture, politics ·Tagged Alaska, Dame Judy Dench, Danielle Day-Lewis, Fergie pees her pants, Nicole Kidman, Obama, Senator, Ted Stevens
Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens (Rep) has been indicted for lying about accepting gifts (read: bribes) from an oil company. He is accused of receiving more than a quarter of a million dollars in kickbacks including “a new first floor, garage, wraparound deck, plumbing and electrical wiring. He also is accused of accepting from VECO a gas grill, furniture and tools, and of failing to report swapping an old Ford for a new Land Rover for his daughter Lily.” Stevens denies the allegations siting the fact that the gas requirements of the Land Rover would quickly balance the cost of the gifts from VECO.
In an effort to clear his name of the ambiguous nature his “Hopeful Future” campaign bestowed upon him, Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has announced that, if elected, he will order review of executive orders that might “trample on liberty.” When asked who would be his attorney general to carryout the broadly nebulous and vague goal typical for his platform, Obama responded with a shockingly detailed answer of “I don’t know.”
Pop singer Stacy Ann Ferguson (Fergie to the hip crowd) is “thrilled” to be playing “basically a prostitute on the beach” in Rob Marhsall’s production of Nine. She hopes to learn from some of the “great actors” also in the film, such as Danielle Day-Lewis, Nicole Kidman and even Dame Judy Dench, in hopes of expanding her performing ability beyond singing trite pop songs and peeing her pants.
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July 8, 2008 at 2:02 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, Movies, Pop Culture, internet ·Tagged baby, Camlia Alves, Matthew McConaughey, NIH, surf's up, wtf, Yahoo!, yeti
Cowabunga, dudes! Actor/amateur surfer Matthew McConaughey’s Brazilian model girlfriend, Camila Alves, gave birth to a boy yesterday. Early reports out of NIH have scientists baffled that the man-child was not only able to convince a woman to sleep with him, but was able to procreate. The baby boy will be raised out of wedlock as the beach yeti, or “sandsquatch” tends to be a solitary creature, seeking company solely for mating purposes. Also, the mother is “like, totally an ugly hodad. I was bein’ wingman for my bra, and like, totally had seven beers and we horked some wicked seaweed. I was totally maxed out, man.”
In related news, Yahoo! has a news affiliate that is apparently run by twelve year old girls (you’d know this if you took the time to click on the links I painstakingly post for you ungrateful bastards). As near as I can tell, omg! focuses on celebrity gossip, but word on the streets* is that it will be making a move to world news-type reporting. Execs from CNN are looking over their collective shoulder at this new up-and-comer.
*Forever 21 discount racks
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July 2, 2008 at 2:30 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, Pop Culture, internet ·Tagged assclown, asshat, did I mention Pete Wentz is a douche?, douche, Fallout Boy sucks, gay, Pete Wentz, useless
Apparently Out.com has an article about Pete Wentz and how he acts gay. Now, I’m not going to pretend that I read the article – I didn’t as Pete Wentz doesn’t require three pages, he requires three words: major league asshat – but I’m guessing based on the scan I did over the first page that it’s about his sexual ambiguity. Which would be okay if we were talking about David Bowie or Prince. But we are talking about someone who’s name must be included in the echelons of douchebag greatness. The article would be more effective if it tried to present him as the Abraham Lincoln of douchebags (“Four whores and seven beers ago…”). And for the record, knocking up a Simpson girl and marrying her doesn’t make you not gay. It makes you an affeminate, attention whore, an idiot and no less of a monster douche.
So, in conclusion, Pete Wentz deserves to be hit by a tank and I get the keys to the city and a Purple Heart for being such a hero and not falling for his bullshit.
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July 1, 2008 at 7:04 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, Pop Culture, Sports, Television ·Tagged Alex Rodriguez, baseball, ew, gouge out my eyes, home run, Madonna, penis come home!, vomit
There seems to be quite a bit of buzz going around that A-Rod may be having an affair with soon-to-be-divorced Madonna. Granted, this is coming from US Weekly, so you can pretty much take it to the bank that the slugger is definitely Madonna’s “A” rod (swish!). In all seriousness though, this does bring to light a very important issue: if steroids are illegal and their use requires an asterisk in record books, what does sleeping with a woman who is very clearly some sort of black magic voodoo priestess require? I don’t want to sling accusations around, but A-rod ain’t sleeping with Madge because she’s still 1983 hot. Have you seen her? She looks like someone dessicated her skin and re-stretched it back over her bones. Let’s review the facts:
1) A-rod is a candidate to set a new career home run record.
2) He has many millions of dollars
3) Madonna looks like an animated corpse (female Keith Richards).
Based on all this, we can conclude that A-rod is sleeping with Madonna to leach some of the dark magical power she’s using to keep herself alive in his quest for the home run record. Give him the asterisk baseball! Very clever, Mr. Rodriguez. Very clever indeed. *Rips of A-rod mask* GASP! Old Man Withers! What are you doing sleeping with Madonna? Wait. Gross. What? NO! There’s no way you could have enough money for me to tape that!
Update: There was a way (hint: banging Madonna apparently gets you access to what we connoisseurs of fortune like to call a shit ton of cash). FYI – Madonna in clothes is way better than Madonna without clothes. If anyone’s seen my penis, tell him I’m sorry and that I wish he’d come back. Tell him if he does I finally have enough money to spring for that operation we’ve been talking about to lengthen him to normal size “Tommy” pinball machine we’ve always wanted.
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June 30, 2008 at 2:31 pm
· Filed under McCain, Obama, Pop Culture, internet, politics ·Tagged Bush, if Obama's president I'm moving to Mexico, it's over, McCain, Obama, president, stupid, Whopper Jrs are yumE., wtf
Well, the thesis is done and I’m back to my coveted tendency to waste time whenever, wherever and however possible (I’m like a superhero that way), so back to blogging:
We all know counting is a huge problem for Barack Obama, but who knew it wasn’t limited to a clueless Presidential candidate, but his supporters as well. In a recent attempt to weaken McCain’s position as Commander and Chief, Obama supporter Wesley Clark has gone on record to say that McCain’s leadership experience doesn’t give him experience being a leader:
“He has been a voice on the Senate Armed Services Committee and he has traveled all over the world, but he hasn’t held executive responsibility,” Clark said. “That large squadron in the Navy that he commanded — that wasn’t a wartime squadron.”
“In the matters of national security policy making, it’s a matter of understanding risk,” he said on CBS’ “Face the Nation.” “It’s a matter of gauging your opponents and it’s a matter of being held accountable. John McCain’s never done any of that in his official positions. I certainly honor his service as a prisoner of war. He was a hero to me and to hundreds of thousands and millions of others in the armed forces, as a prisoner of war.”
Question: If McCain doesn’t have experience as a commander despite being a commander, what the hell experience does Obama have? What has he led (besides a bunch of clueless, moronic supporters who fail to recognize that his campaign a bunch of nothing simply because he gives away Dave Matthews tickets and a bullshit campaign centered on “hope for the future”)? The sad thing here, is that everyone in Obama’s boat will nod their heads sagely and say “Yes, that is quite true. Leadership experience doesn’t grant experience as a leader. What we need is more hope for a longer future. That’s leadership.” And “He was a hero to me and to hundreds of thousands and millions of others in the armed forces, as a prisoner of war.” You and hundreds of thousands and millions, huh? The millions doesn’t include yourself or the hundreds of thousands? Bear with me here, I’m still struggling to understand the concepts of zero and 60 United States comprising the Union, but isn’t “millions” bigger than “hundred thousands?” Again, if Bush said this, imagine the outbreak of “He’s so stupid” choruses that would flood the interwebs and newspapers.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m voting for McCain, but the more I hear from Obama and his supporters, the more I’m inclined to think a a Whopper Jr. would make a better nominee than Barack. Tastier, too.
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June 6, 2008 at 7:27 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, Pop Culture, politics ·Tagged Barack's a moron, don't vote, Obama, OMG we are all DOOMED, president, wtf
I guess congrats to Obama for securing the democratic bid for the presidency. And somehow in all the thesis writing, I apparently missed Obama telling a crowd in Oregon that he had been in 57 states with one left to go (not counting Hawaii or Alaska because he wasn’t allowed to go there). So for all you doubters out there, have a little faith and hope in the future. Seriously, these 60 states of this great union ain’t gonna run themselves. The folks over at NewsBusters have a video and make a good point: had this been McCain, it would have been plastered all over the god damn planet. And aren’t there all sorts of posters and movies (Oliver Stone I’m looking at YOU) out there mocking Bush for this same thing? Come on, Liberal Nation, at least TRY to be consistent.*
*Seriously if you vote for Obama, I’m breaking into your house and punching you in the face. I could deal with his meaningless tripe of a campaign platform, but seriously: Do NOT vote for a presidential nominee who doesn’t know how many states are in the Union.**
**I’m not saying vote for McCain either. What am I saying? Spend your time doing something more useful. Like preparing for the Zombie apocalypse. Or moving to Canada, where, presumably, Obama won’t find you since it’s after Alaska on the “List of States to Visit” and he’s not allowed to go there.
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May 27, 2008 at 6:36 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, Sports, internet ·Tagged boxing, I'm rich!, Jose Canseco, oh man I have a problem, prosititute, show me the money, whore
Apparently steroids and a couple of divorces (as well as being a complete asshat) get pretty expensive. Desperate for money, ex-MLB slugger Jose Canseco is throwing out $5,000 to some lucky a-hole to fight in him in a boxing match. Apparently he’s hoping to make at least $5,001 from this farce to make some cash (see Mom, all those college classes did pay off – I know all about profits and deficits and McDonald’s $1 menu). For anyone interested, Canseco’s agent has been all up on that interwebs ass, sending out emails to find opponents:
“We are looking for a big opponent/athlete to step into the ring and fight ‘The Bad Boy of Baseball’ Jose Canseco in a boxing match, live on Saturday, July 12, at the Atlantic City Bernie Robbins Stadium. The person picked will be paid $5,000 and become a star overnight. There will be a full undercard and if you are not picked you may have a shot on the undercard.”
Hey, I’m in. I can’t lose with this deal! I either get paid 5 grand to kick the hell out of a raging Cuban douche, or I get paid 5 grand to curl up in a ball of impenetrable self-defense and whimper like a woman until he’s done punching the ever-loving hell out of me. Either way, I get 5 grand and that’s alot of grand. Just think of all the booze and hookers you can get with that many grands. Wait. Don’t do that. There’s no way they’re taking me if someone else signs up first. All right everyone. Hands off. I found it. Called it, double stamps, no erases. I’m fighting Canseco for 5k. Now, in honor of Bender, do I get 5,000 $1 hookers or one $5,000 hooker?*
*Answer: I’m ordering her just so I can tell her she’s ugly and punch her in the face. And kick her in the nuts.** It’s all part of my new vigilante justice system designed to systematically eliminate people who are dumb as hell or whores. Or in this case (and my ex-girlfriend***) both. Dear Baby Jesus I hope she (the hooker^) doesn’t get those manhands o’death around me before I can make a getaway.
**She has ‘em. She’s totally a dood.
***I could see the UPS guy (he wears short-shorts and has sexy legs) and even Mayor McCheese, but that suave guy with the Audi and the 57″ plasma TV in the room with the pinball machine and kegarator… wait… what’s his number? ****
****I just put this here to see if you’d read it.
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