Well, the title pretty much says it all (yay interwebs!), so check it out here. Although, I must say that after the last three cinematic abortions that were brutally ripped from the CGI womb of George Lucas with a rusty reel-to-reel projector, this looks like it might be surprisingly entertaining. At least with the cartoonish, Final Fantasy style computer animation, I won’t have to deal with another three hours of Hayden Panettierre Christensen’s womanish, whiny, bitch antic ladened portrayal of one of the greatest villians of all time. And no, I’m still not over that whole fiasco. I swear to God, Buddha, Methuselah and by the mighty hammer of Thor that if you ruin Indiana Jones (I’m already blaming you for the title, you fat slob) I will come at your pedophile ranch like the Death Star at Alderaan.
Archive for April, 2008
STDmatch Good for Relationship, Bad for Penis
Are you single? Does having an STD of any (multiple?) sorts prevent you from landing yourself a dating partner? If so, head on over to stdmatch.net and get yourself a lovely, herpes (or “insert STD here”) ridden woman (or man). Basically (I guess), it’s just like all of those other dating sites except that here, presumably, the people are a little more, oh I don’t know, real, because, honestly, what is there to hide? You’re on a dating site for people with STDs. You’ve hit rock bottom. There’s no need to post fake pictures or profiles here. This is the online equivalent of hanging out in Paris Hilton’s basement/vagina.
Seriously, though, I like this idea. Mostly for the whole honesty aspect. Everything’s right out in the open from the start. Not like my last experience with online dating, no siree. General note: making out with a chick with an Adam’s apple not as good as you mite expect. Hey, she paid for dinner seemed very nice and I was obligated just being a gentleman woke up in a trailer with no pants and torn underwear had my sacred tunnel of manlove unexpectedly spelunked have no recollection of the evening.
Obama Models Himself After Commies? Eh, Whatever
As I was walking home from work last night, I happened to notice the new(ish) Obama posters (below) in a discouragingly high amount of dorm windows round campus….I hate college kids. The new posters for Obama’s presidential campaign display the hopeful candidate as somewhat of a totalitarian communist manifesto returned from the depths of hell. They immediately bring to mind the T-shirts of douche frat boys who favor themselves “revolutionaries” or some such garbage displaying the face of Che Guevara. While I don’t think that this is the message he was hoping to send, I do, however, feel that they convey clearly and adequately what his campaign platform as been in the use of “HOPE” on the bottom. Originally, I had thought maybe it was an acronym to cleverly highlight specific points of his platform, but upon further investigation, it turned out that (A) there is no acronym – it’s just a stupid word that in this case is exceptionally vague and open-ended and (B) it was hung in a girl’s window who seemed to feel I was really trying to watch her undress. Using my quick, sly thinking, I calmly explained that were that the case, I’d be hoping she’d be a little easier on the eye if she caught my drift. She didn’t. She did, however, catch my nuts with her boot. In conclusion, I hope that eventually my testicles redescend from my stomach and it stops hurting to move. At this point, I think it’s safe to say kids are doubtful. Thanks, Obama. Sweet future I’m hoping for now….
I Hate Kids, Their Parents
Despite what those of you who grew up in the 80s might have been led to believe by Whitney Houston, children are not, in fact, the future. As if walking down the street at 3:00 PM isn’t enough incentive to allow not only stem cell research, but cloning and modification of genes to eliminate certain traits, I offer this little fiasco as further proof that children aren’t fit to develop naturally. Oh, and their parents are even less capable of raising a decent offspring then Britney on a bender.
“When we had them in custody at the station, they were laughing about it, saying, ‘Well, I guess this spring break we won’t go to the beach,” Judd told The Early Show. “One of the suspects asked the detective, ‘Am I going to get to go to cheerleading practice tomorrow?”
Who commits a third degree felony and laughs about it in front of the damn sheriff? Idiots. And what, you might ask, could possibly lead kids to commit such an act (since we are obviously going to rule out accountability by the kids or their half-assed parents)? According to the victim’s father: the interwebs!
“I want stiffer punishments for these shock Web sites that entice kids to make these videos so they can be famous on the Internet,” Patrick told The Ledger of Lakeland, Fla. “That is the motive, I am sure of it. It’s crazy and it’s terrible and they’re gonna pay.”
The kids or the interwebs? But not to be outdone, one of the criminal’s parents chimed in:
After the girls were arrested, Christina Garcia told the newspaper she looked at Lindsay’s MySpace page and saw the message: “hahaha all in jail.”
“A lot of people think, ‘I can say whatever I want on here and nobody’s gonna say anything,’” Garcia said. “A fight is a fight, but this was a beatdown. She did not deserve what she got, but I don’t know how she’s that messed up and able to get on the computer and talk about that.”
First of all, if a bunch of people beat the ever-loving shit out of me, you can bet your bottom dollar the first thing I’d do after I got out of the hospital (and court taking all their monies), is taunt the hell out of them. The least this girl deserves is to taunt the bastards on MySpace. I’d be down at the county jail drinking Slurpees and flinging feces (maybe my own and maybe whatever’s handy) at those losers. And then we’d have the wedgie/swirly combo sessions. And then I’d be there to drive the nails through their fucking arms. Because seriously, the least these soulless cancers on society deserve is to be nailed to a damn cross. Christ, all Jesus did was raise a dude from the dead and clone fish and bread (eat it Dr. Suess!) and they crucified him. And what about the parents? Anyone who, in all seriousness, blames the interwebs (which I happen to <3 aLOT), should be forced to spend the rest of their lives as Dr. Phil’s maids. And dear baby Jesus, I hope he makes them all wear skimpy maid outfits and touches them in places.
Paris to Get New Reality Show, First Sign of the Apocalypse Revealed
The unholy bastard off-spring of Satan (read:MTV) has decided to usher in the end of mankind with a new reality show to find Paris Hilton a new best friend. In addition to the voting on the website, apparently producers have taken the show on the road to hold auditions as well. So which is it? Votes or tryouts? This seems like a recipe for disaster. And I don’t know which is worse – that there are people alive who like Paris Hilton enough to want to be friends with her or that some of those people are guys. Let’s be honest, the only two possible reasons to be male and on this show would be a) you are gay or b) your in it for the ass. But anyone who wants to keep his penis attached and not feeling like it permanently dwells in a lava pool full of chlamydia would be doing everything possible to keep his (or her – we respect all peoples on this interwebs site) penis as far from Paris (not the city) as possible. So, hate to break it to you guys, but I guess if you’re trying out to be Paris Hilton’s BFF, you are logically gay.
More to the point, though, is that this is obviously the first sign of the Apocalypse. Does Paris Hilton touring the country with her vagina-cloud of STDs sound suspiciously like the Pestilence horseman riding forth to anyone else? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to look into finding a way to prevent the vagcloudo’death from raining fiery-when-I-pee death down on me. I’ll let you know what I find.
UPDATE: Found it! It’s whiskey! Ah, delicious, crotch-saving whiskey.
UPDATE: Holy shit I drank two bottles and woke up with a tingly sensation in my nethers. And what is that alien-looking blonde doing wearing my Styx baseball shirt from their ‘04 tour? Wait…is that…*checks penis, finds note:
Dear Assknuckle,
By the time you read this letter, I’ll be gone and you’ll be stuck with a penis-less groin infested with no less than eight STDs. Those were frontiers I’d have just as soon left unexplored. But you had to boldly go where so many have gone before. I resign my post. Enjoy your new simple life.*
Former Gunner’s First (and only) Mate Wee Tod
*It makes me sad that my penis is more witty than I am. Come back Wee Tod – I really have to pee 
(
Government Removes Bodies from New Mexico Fort
From the creepy-as-fuck department comes this little blurb from the Sun Herald (located in deep in the heart of don’t-come-here-we-hate-you) about the government exhuming Civil War era bodies from a fort site in New Mexico. Apparently, some bat-shit crazy Vietnam veteran-turned-historian went ahead and and did him some grave robbing in which he robbed them of the bodies.
The investigation began with a tip about an amateur historian who had displayed the mummified remains of a black soldier, draped in a Civil War-era uniform, in his house.
The government, in all seriousness, laughed the report off before deciding to go investigate:
“The first thing we did was laughed because who would believe such a story,” Hanson said. “But then we quickly decided we better go down and check it out.”
Good call. Upon investigating they found that most of the remains/lootings had been auctioned away by the crazy bastard’s family after he died. However, they did recover some:
Brecheisen’s son told authorities where the mummified remains from his father’s home were, and a person who hasn’t been publicly identified handed them over – including a more-than-century-old skull packaged in a brown paper bag. Alberts said that skull, which still had hair attached, was the one he’d seen years earlier.
FREE SPEECH!
Well, apparently this website allows for rejection of comments just in case the hopelessly insecure can’t handle the idea of (GASP!) someone having a different opinion. In that light, I’m going to go ahead and post my response to this “unfettered presentation of bullshit” that the author was too cowardly to allow posted. So, ZAM (ZOA?)! Right in your eye!
As a completely neutral bystander who happens to attend Case, I can’t help but notice how, in voicing the complaint of bias against Israel, you immediately disregard any and all thought to any point of view that is not 100% consistent with your own. A college campus is supposed to be an environment of open and free thought, not a haven of restricted speech to make sure that certain points of view are depicted as “vile” or “hateful” or to ensure that limited facets of education are enforced to skew an intellectual issue. Along those lines, as you continue to attack Prof Bach (who incidentally, I have yet to read or hear any anti-Semitic statements from despite being on campus daily), a person who is clearly now on the receiving end of misplaced hatred and condemnation, it strikes me as humorous that instead of recognizing a different point of view or research as simply that, you lash out through misconception and word-twisting to discredit an individual who happens to not agree 100% with you. I doubt that you would condone what the Germans or Russians did in the late 1800s and early to mid 1900s to ensure that the young minds there were taught only the point of view deemed appropriate by a ruling minority, yet you expect the University to do just that. I applaud the President for not caving to such narrow-minded and simplistic tactics and I hope that Prof Bach continues to pursue the ideals of free-thought. Tolerance works both ways. Your hatred of the opposite point of view is as self-evidently vile as how you perceive the supposed “anti-Semitic” attitude at Case.
“Our school has not stood up for academic freedom, honest discussion, or balance, but for the unfettered presentation of bullshit.”
A supremely open-minded, respectful representation of an alternative point of view if ever I’ve read one. Bravo.
Comment by mojomonkey77 | April 7, 2008
Comments welcomed from anyone who isn’t a hypocritical, whiny coward ;o)
I <3 Mr. T
Perhaps the greatest thing to come out of the 80s is arguably the flight fearing, milk drinking van driver from the A-Team. When I was younger, he made me feel pretty good about drinking my milk and respecting my mother (video below). Now that I’m older and a complete nerd, he makes me feel good about my addiction to video games. After all, if Mr. T does it, it must be okay. I don’t want to draw comparisons to Jesus or anything, but the man did bring a kid out of a coma. And also defeated cancer. So, yeah. Jesus, pt 2.
In addition to pittying fools and showing suckas pain, T also found the time to make a rap album with Vanilla Ice. OMFG! <3
Michael Vick a Jack of All Trades
Apparently while serving time in prison, former Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick is playing quarterback for both sides of the prison football team. This comes in addition to his making 12 cents/hr washing dishes. No word yet on whether he’s both pitching and catching in the communal showers.
Coming soon…
The natural, much desired extension of Everything You Never Cared About. If I can figure out how (I r newb at teh interwebs), the link to the other blog will be posted on the side somewhere.
Word.
