Archive for May, 2008

Jose Canseco Still a Jackass, Must be the Steroids

May 27, 2008 at 6:36 pm · Filed under Entertainment, Sports, internet ·Tagged , , , , , ,

Apparently steroids and a couple of divorces (as well as being a complete asshat) get pretty expensive. Desperate for money, ex-MLB slugger Jose Canseco is throwing out $5,000 to some lucky a-hole to fight in him in a boxing match. Apparently he’s hoping to make at least $5,001 from this farce to make some cash (see Mom, all those college classes did pay off – I know all about profits and deficits and McDonald’s $1 menu).  For anyone interested, Canseco’s agent has been all up on that interwebs ass, sending out emails to find opponents:

“We are looking for a big opponent/athlete to step into the ring and fight ‘The Bad Boy of Baseball’ Jose Canseco in a boxing match, live on Saturday, July 12, at the Atlantic City Bernie Robbins Stadium. The person picked will be paid $5,000 and become a star overnight. There will be a full undercard and if you are not picked you may have a shot on the undercard.”

Hey, I’m in.  I can’t lose with this deal!  I either get paid 5 grand to kick the hell out of a raging Cuban douche, or I get paid 5 grand to curl up in a ball of impenetrable self-defense and whimper like a woman until he’s done punching the ever-loving hell out of me.  Either way, I get 5 grand and that’s alot of grand.  Just think of all the booze and hookers you can get with that many grands.  Wait.  Don’t do that.  There’s no way they’re taking me if someone else signs up first.  All right everyone.  Hands off.  I found it.  Called it, double stamps, no erases.  I’m fighting Canseco for 5k.  Now, in honor of Bender, do I get 5,000 $1 hookers or one $5,000 hooker?*

*Answer: I’m ordering her just so I can tell her she’s ugly and punch her in the face.  And kick her in the nuts.**   It’s all part of my new vigilante justice system designed to systematically eliminate people who are dumb as hell or whores.  Or in this case (and my ex-girlfriend***) both.  Dear Baby Jesus I hope she (the hooker^) doesn’t get those manhands o’death around me before I can make a getaway.

**She has ‘em.  She’s totally a dood.

***I could see the UPS guy (he wears short-shorts and has sexy legs) and even Mayor McCheese, but that suave guy with the Audi and the 57″ plasma TV in the room with the pinball machine and kegarator… wait… what’s his number? ****

****I just put this here to see if you’d read it.

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Danica Patrick Drives Fast, is Really Ugly (AFK BB L8R)

May 23, 2008 at 1:17 pm · Filed under Entertainment, Pop Culture, Television ·Tagged , , , ,

I blame the lack of posts recently (and in the near future) on the writing of my thesis, which tends to take up most of my time during the day (and I doesn’t has teh interwebs at home – ZOMFGWTF?!?), but I’ll try to throw a post up every now and then. Like this one:

Am I the only person alive who doesn’t think Danica Patrick is attractive (her name’s stupid as all hell, too, but hey – who’s keeping score)? Now I admit I’m not the biggest fan of NASCAR (or any other racing for the matter – suck a fat one Olympics!) and that redneck mentality might be the second worst thing ever to evolve, but none of that factors into my disdain of her appearance. Hell, she could be feeding me hot wings and keeping my beer hat full while I play video games and I’d still think she’s ugly as hell (which incidentally is why she could never feed me hot wings and keep my beer hat full while I play video games). Her face looks like God drank alot and made it out of silly putty. Except her chin. Holy Jesusmarymotherofgod look at that chin! That thing’s a damn anvil. Seriously! You could forge swords on it. You know what you can’t forge swords on? My abs. Because they are so cushioned beneath a healthy layer of beer fat rippling. Aw. Looks like another summer of being banned from the beach for being so damn unattractive. But who needs that? I’ll make my own beach on the porch with a kiddie pool and cooler and everything. Added bonus: no one yells at me that “this ain’t one of the fairy nekkid beaches, son.” Ahhhhh. Let em breath.

Update: Apparently there are laws about drinking and being naked in public. And apparently public means anywhere my nosey ass neighbors can see. I’m on the run from the po-pos.

Update: Note to self: police aren’t afraid of my “love gun.” Neither is Rapie Tod, my cellmate. Hey Tod, how’d you get the name “Rapie” anyways? Oh. I see.

Update: help

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