Apparently steroids and a couple of divorces (as well as being a complete asshat) get pretty expensive. Desperate for money, ex-MLB slugger Jose Canseco is throwing out $5,000 to some lucky a-hole to fight in him in a boxing match. Apparently he’s hoping to make at least $5,001 from this farce to make some cash (see Mom, all those college classes did pay off – I know all about profits and deficits and McDonald’s $1 menu). For anyone interested, Canseco’s agent has been all up on that interwebs ass, sending out emails to find opponents:
“We are looking for a big opponent/athlete to step into the ring and fight ‘The Bad Boy of Baseball’ Jose Canseco in a boxing match, live on Saturday, July 12, at the Atlantic City Bernie Robbins Stadium. The person picked will be paid $5,000 and become a star overnight. There will be a full undercard and if you are not picked you may have a shot on the undercard.”
Hey, I’m in. I can’t lose with this deal! I either get paid 5 grand to kick the hell out of a raging Cuban douche, or I get paid 5 grand to curl up in a ball of impenetrable self-defense and whimper like a woman until he’s done punching the ever-loving hell out of me. Either way, I get 5 grand and that’s alot of grand. Just think of all the booze and hookers you can get with that many grands. Wait. Don’t do that. There’s no way they’re taking me if someone else signs up first. All right everyone. Hands off. I found it. Called it, double stamps, no erases. I’m fighting Canseco for 5k. Now, in honor of Bender, do I get 5,000 $1 hookers or one $5,000 hooker?*
*Answer: I’m ordering her just so I can tell her she’s ugly and punch her in the face. And kick her in the nuts.** It’s all part of my new vigilante justice system designed to systematically eliminate people who are dumb as hell or whores. Or in this case (and my ex-girlfriend***) both. Dear Baby Jesus I hope she (the hooker^) doesn’t get those manhands o’death around me before I can make a getaway.
**She has ‘em. She’s totally a dood.
***I could see the UPS guy (he wears short-shorts and has sexy legs) and even Mayor McCheese, but that suave guy with the Audi and the 57″ plasma TV in the room with the pinball machine and kegarator… wait… what’s his number? ****
****I just put this here to see if you’d read it.
