Archive for July, 2008
July 30, 2008 at 2:36 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, Movies, Obama, Pop Culture, politics ·Tagged Alaska, Dame Judy Dench, Danielle Day-Lewis, Fergie pees her pants, Nicole Kidman, Obama, Senator, Ted Stevens
Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens (Rep) has been indicted for lying about accepting gifts (read: bribes) from an oil company. He is accused of receiving more than a quarter of a million dollars in kickbacks including “a new first floor, garage, wraparound deck, plumbing and electrical wiring. He also is accused of accepting from VECO a gas grill, furniture and tools, and of failing to report swapping an old Ford for a new Land Rover for his daughter Lily.” Stevens denies the allegations siting the fact that the gas requirements of the Land Rover would quickly balance the cost of the gifts from VECO.
In an effort to clear his name of the ambiguous nature his “Hopeful Future” campaign bestowed upon him, Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has announced that, if elected, he will order review of executive orders that might “trample on liberty.” When asked who would be his attorney general to carryout the broadly nebulous and vague goal typical for his platform, Obama responded with a shockingly detailed answer of “I don’t know.”
Pop singer Stacy Ann Ferguson (Fergie to the hip crowd) is “thrilled” to be playing “basically a prostitute on the beach” in Rob Marhsall’s production of Nine. She hopes to learn from some of the “great actors” also in the film, such as Danielle Day-Lewis, Nicole Kidman and even Dame Judy Dench, in hopes of expanding her performing ability beyond singing trite pop songs and peeing her pants.
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July 8, 2008 at 2:02 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, Movies, Pop Culture, internet ·Tagged baby, Camlia Alves, Matthew McConaughey, NIH, surf's up, wtf, Yahoo!, yeti
Cowabunga, dudes! Actor/amateur surfer Matthew McConaughey’s Brazilian model girlfriend, Camila Alves, gave birth to a boy yesterday. Early reports out of NIH have scientists baffled that the man-child was not only able to convince a woman to sleep with him, but was able to procreate. The baby boy will be raised out of wedlock as the beach yeti, or “sandsquatch” tends to be a solitary creature, seeking company solely for mating purposes. Also, the mother is “like, totally an ugly hodad. I was bein’ wingman for my bra, and like, totally had seven beers and we horked some wicked seaweed. I was totally maxed out, man.”
In related news, Yahoo! has a news affiliate that is apparently run by twelve year old girls (you’d know this if you took the time to click on the links I painstakingly post for you ungrateful bastards). As near as I can tell, omg! focuses on celebrity gossip, but word on the streets* is that it will be making a move to world news-type reporting. Execs from CNN are looking over their collective shoulder at this new up-and-comer.
*Forever 21 discount racks
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July 2, 2008 at 2:30 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, Pop Culture, internet ·Tagged assclown, asshat, did I mention Pete Wentz is a douche?, douche, Fallout Boy sucks, gay, Pete Wentz, useless
Apparently Out.com has an article about Pete Wentz and how he acts gay. Now, I’m not going to pretend that I read the article – I didn’t as Pete Wentz doesn’t require three pages, he requires three words: major league asshat – but I’m guessing based on the scan I did over the first page that it’s about his sexual ambiguity. Which would be okay if we were talking about David Bowie or Prince. But we are talking about someone who’s name must be included in the echelons of douchebag greatness. The article would be more effective if it tried to present him as the Abraham Lincoln of douchebags (“Four whores and seven beers ago…”). And for the record, knocking up a Simpson girl and marrying her doesn’t make you not gay. It makes you an affeminate, attention whore, an idiot and no less of a monster douche.
So, in conclusion, Pete Wentz deserves to be hit by a tank and I get the keys to the city and a Purple Heart for being such a hero and not falling for his bullshit.
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July 1, 2008 at 7:04 pm
· Filed under Entertainment, Pop Culture, Sports, Television ·Tagged Alex Rodriguez, baseball, ew, gouge out my eyes, home run, Madonna, penis come home!, vomit
There seems to be quite a bit of buzz going around that A-Rod may be having an affair with soon-to-be-divorced Madonna. Granted, this is coming from US Weekly, so you can pretty much take it to the bank that the slugger is definitely Madonna’s “A” rod (swish!). In all seriousness though, this does bring to light a very important issue: if steroids are illegal and their use requires an asterisk in record books, what does sleeping with a woman who is very clearly some sort of black magic voodoo priestess require? I don’t want to sling accusations around, but A-rod ain’t sleeping with Madge because she’s still 1983 hot. Have you seen her? She looks like someone dessicated her skin and re-stretched it back over her bones. Let’s review the facts:
1) A-rod is a candidate to set a new career home run record.
2) He has many millions of dollars
3) Madonna looks like an animated corpse (female Keith Richards).
Based on all this, we can conclude that A-rod is sleeping with Madonna to leach some of the dark magical power she’s using to keep herself alive in his quest for the home run record. Give him the asterisk baseball! Very clever, Mr. Rodriguez. Very clever indeed. *Rips of A-rod mask* GASP! Old Man Withers! What are you doing sleeping with Madonna? Wait. Gross. What? NO! There’s no way you could have enough money for me to tape that!
Update: There was a way (hint: banging Madonna apparently gets you access to what we connoisseurs of fortune like to call a shit ton of cash). FYI – Madonna in clothes is way better than Madonna without clothes. If anyone’s seen my penis, tell him I’m sorry and that I wish he’d come back. Tell him if he does I finally have enough money to spring for that operation we’ve been talking about to lengthen him to normal size “Tommy” pinball machine we’ve always wanted.
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