There seems to be quite a bit of buzz going around that A-Rod may be having an affair with soon-to-be-divorced Madonna. Granted, this is coming from US Weekly, so you can pretty much take it to the bank that the slugger is definitely Madonna’s “A” rod (swish!). In all seriousness though, this does bring to light a very important issue: if steroids are illegal and their use requires an asterisk in record books, what does sleeping with a woman who is very clearly some sort of black magic voodoo priestess require? I don’t want to sling accusations around, but A-rod ain’t sleeping with Madge because she’s still 1983 hot. Have you seen her? She looks like someone dessicated her skin and re-stretched it back over her bones. Let’s review the facts:
1) A-rod is a candidate to set a new career home run record.
2) He has many millions of dollars
3) Madonna looks like an animated corpse (female Keith Richards).
Based on all this, we can conclude that A-rod is sleeping with Madonna to leach some of the dark magical power she’s using to keep herself alive in his quest for the home run record. Give him the asterisk baseball! Very clever, Mr. Rodriguez. Very clever indeed. *Rips of A-rod mask* GASP! Old Man Withers! What are you doing sleeping with Madonna? Wait. Gross. What? NO! There’s no way you could have enough money for me to tape that!
Update: There was a way (hint: banging Madonna apparently gets you access to what we connoisseurs of fortune like to call a shit ton of cash). FYI – Madonna in clothes is way better than Madonna without clothes. If anyone’s seen my penis, tell him I’m sorry and that I wish he’d come back. Tell him if he does I finally have enough money to spring for that operation we’ve been talking about to lengthen him to normal size “Tommy” pinball machine we’ve always wanted.
