There seems to be quite a bit of buzz going around that A-Rod may be having an affair with soon-to-be-divorced Madonna.  Granted, this is coming from US Weekly, so you can pretty much take it to the bank that the slugger is definitely Madonna’s “A” rod (swish!).  In all seriousness though, this does bring to light a very important issue: if steroids are illegal and their use requires an asterisk in record books, what does sleeping with a woman who is very clearly some sort of black magic voodoo priestess require?  I don’t want to sling accusations around, but A-rod ain’t sleeping with Madge because she’s still 1983 hot.  Have you seen her?  She looks like someone dessicated her skin and re-stretched it back over her bones.  Let’s review the facts:

1) A-rod is a candidate to set a new career home run record.

2) He has many millions of dollars

3) Madonna looks like an animated corpse (female Keith Richards).

Based on all this, we can conclude that A-rod is sleeping with Madonna to leach some of the dark magical power she’s using to keep herself alive in his quest for the home run record.  Give him the asterisk baseball!  Very clever, Mr. Rodriguez.  Very clever indeed.  *Rips of A-rod mask* GASP!  Old Man Withers!  What are you doing sleeping with Madonna?  Wait.  Gross.  What?  NO!  There’s no way you could have enough money for me to tape that!

Update: There was a way (hint: banging Madonna apparently gets you access to what we connoisseurs of fortune like to call a shit ton of cash).  FYI – Madonna in clothes is way better than Madonna without clothes.  If anyone’s seen my penis, tell him I’m sorry and that I wish he’d come back.  Tell him if he does I finally have enough money to spring for that operation we’ve been talking about to lengthen him to normal size “Tommy” pinball machine we’ve always wanted.

Apparently steroids and a couple of divorces (as well as being a complete asshat) get pretty expensive. Desperate for money, ex-MLB slugger Jose Canseco is throwing out $5,000 to some lucky a-hole to fight in him in a boxing match. Apparently he’s hoping to make at least $5,001 from this farce to make some cash (see Mom, all those college classes did pay off – I know all about profits and deficits and McDonald’s $1 menu).  For anyone interested, Canseco’s agent has been all up on that interwebs ass, sending out emails to find opponents:

“We are looking for a big opponent/athlete to step into the ring and fight ‘The Bad Boy of Baseball’ Jose Canseco in a boxing match, live on Saturday, July 12, at the Atlantic City Bernie Robbins Stadium. The person picked will be paid $5,000 and become a star overnight. There will be a full undercard and if you are not picked you may have a shot on the undercard.”

Hey, I’m in.  I can’t lose with this deal!  I either get paid 5 grand to kick the hell out of a raging Cuban douche, or I get paid 5 grand to curl up in a ball of impenetrable self-defense and whimper like a woman until he’s done punching the ever-loving hell out of me.  Either way, I get 5 grand and that’s alot of grand.  Just think of all the booze and hookers you can get with that many grands.  Wait.  Don’t do that.  There’s no way they’re taking me if someone else signs up first.  All right everyone.  Hands off.  I found it.  Called it, double stamps, no erases.  I’m fighting Canseco for 5k.  Now, in honor of Bender, do I get 5,000 $1 hookers or one $5,000 hooker?*

*Answer: I’m ordering her just so I can tell her she’s ugly and punch her in the face.  And kick her in the nuts.**   It’s all part of my new vigilante justice system designed to systematically eliminate people who are dumb as hell or whores.  Or in this case (and my ex-girlfriend***) both.  Dear Baby Jesus I hope she (the hooker^) doesn’t get those manhands o’death around me before I can make a getaway.

**She has ‘em.  She’s totally a dood.

***I could see the UPS guy (he wears short-shorts and has sexy legs) and even Mayor McCheese, but that suave guy with the Audi and the 57″ plasma TV in the room with the pinball machine and kegarator… wait… what’s his number? ****

****I just put this here to see if you’d read it.